Faith, Honesty, Restoration.

Last night I felt the pavilion cover me again.  I started to feel that dark, lonely place inside of myself bubble and burst with insecurities.  It seems like every time I have this under control and I feel like I have once again restored my faith, it slips right through my fingers.

Before the adult session of stake conference Saturday night, I wrote the following in my sabbath day journal/notebook.  In it I wrote several very personal questions that I feel prompted to share.

I have been battling the idea of faith in mind for a while now.  I don't know how to be "faithful" or even where to begin....I want to forgive those that have hurt me.  I want to heal and move on.  How do I let go?  How can I start being a true daughter of God?  What is missing in my life that is preventing me from reconciling my self-worth with the worth my Heavenly Father has for me? What am I failing at? How can I have a better attitude?  

And then we sang How Firm a Foundation and the lyrics touched every part of my soul.  I felt the words and through them the Lord whispered the answers...

What more can He say than to you he hath said..who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?

I know this might sound deeply ridiculous, but I hate asking for help. Ever.  It may be a pride thing or whatever, but when I have a [very bad] problem, I pray as a last resort (which is ironic, considering my favorite scripture on the left hand side of this blog).  In this case, I had complained and tried desperately to solve everything on my own.  I hadn't fled to the Savior, and again, instead of asking for peace and comfort, I was pushing for my will to be done.

And then the 3rd verse nearly made me sob right there in the middle of stake conference...
Fear not, I am with thee; o be not dismayed, For I am thy Go and will still give thee aid.  
I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous...omnipotent hand. 

What followed in conference was an answer to every single question I had. Once again the Lord has proved that he listens and answers prayers, but it is only if we are willing to listen and observe that we will see his hand in our lives.  I almost didn't go to Stake Conference last night, but I am so glad I did despite the natural mans fight to keep me at home wallowing in depression.

This blog is turning into something I hadn't expected.  In the last couple of years I have made it a goal to keep it light, and funny.  But I haven't been feeling light and funny lately.  I have been feeling like an emotional ticking time bomb actually.  These posts are a result of that.  They are also deeply personal and this is due to a conscience effort I have of being completely open and honest. I hope that's okay.

until the next post,
Eli