Guilt.

I went to the dentist this morning.  What should have been a regular $75 cleaning turned into 2 cavities, apparent bone loss in my mouth, soar gums, and traces of gingivitis.  This turned into a $400 visit.  Fan-freaking-tastic. (Shout out to my dad for his wonderful dental genes...sarcasm, of course.)

To make matters worse, my mother lost all my vaccination records.  Which meant that if I did not acquire a copy from my high school, I would need to get them all over again.

I was pretty upset.

So, I called them.  The kind lady in the counseling office looked for them but could not locate any of my records. 

great. 

She said that I should try calling the district to see if they had kept any of my health records on file, though it wasn't likely. grrrrrrr.  I asked her if she could get me their number and she put me on hold. 


I'm not proud of my following train of thought.

Lord, why are you making this so difficult on me?  First the cavities. I don't have this kind of money! And I am in pain already from my wisdom teeth surgery, not to mention my throbbing bruised arms from being poked and prodded at the doctor.  I don't understand what I have done to deserve this, why do I aaaaalways get the short end of the stick???!!!! what have I done to get on your bad side? I thought you wanted me to go on a mission.  Is this another sign that I should just give up? Am I not worthy?  I am tired of trying so hard to get such terrible results.  It's simply unfair.  Obviously I am not that important....

Just as I was getting to the darkest part of my wallowing in self pity and was completely ready to give up, the lady gets back on the phone.

"You are never going to believe this, but we just found your immunization records."

And then I felt it.  The cold, hard, reality of my lack of faith and the guilt for questioning the Lord.

He was there, He was watching and supporting me, I was just too blind and too self-centered to realize it.

I am really not sure how I am ever going to be a good sister missionary.  I obviously am lacking the basic skill of having faith.  What am I thinking??!! 

It has definitely been a discouraging day. I am feeling inadequate and lost and too ashamed to pray. 


And now the whole world knows about it. 

peace.
Ellie

PS. 
The whole point of this post is that I am trying to be more "real" and true to myself.  I want people to know who I really am, and I want to avoid presenting a false image of myself.  So, hopefully you aren't too overwhelmed by all my spiritual drama and inadequacy fears. If you are, it's ok.  There are sure to be happy posts eventually ;).